Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
