shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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