Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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