Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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