know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
