The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
