dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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