You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
