I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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