I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
