They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
