i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
