I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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