party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
