I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
