He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
