Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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