I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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