I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
