I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
