A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
