the condom got lost in my hair
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
