my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
