if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
