Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Of course I have a pirate flag
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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