I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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