he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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