if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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