the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
