You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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