If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
