then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
