I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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