I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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