I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
