Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
