i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
