Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
