As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
