Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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