Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
