from now on my penis is your penis
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
