True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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