Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
