i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
