someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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