im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I won't apologize to a one balled man
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
