Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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