I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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