I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
