And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish you could order shots online.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
