i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just found a bag of teeth...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
