it hurts more in the daytime
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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