now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
