i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
