I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
