A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
