Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't motorboat a personality
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
