I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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