Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
