I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
